Looking back

I really hate deep night thoughts.

With the advance in technology, it has become our best friend but at the same time, it can be foe too.
Everything is just at our fingertips.
Search online and you can find the info from billions of datas.

But,
Sometime if you don't have enough perserverence, you might give in to technology and trace back your 'past injury'.

Like I did, 15 minutes ago.

I searched his profile again.
Everything is still private. Like seriously, I once doubted that he copied my way as I did before him. And yes, I now double confirm he surely follow my method. Haha.

Yes. Just is itching to find out his recent life.
And then I found out like usual lar, he's still going with his gf who met in Taiwan.

Fine. Don't talk about him.
What about me?
I also.. want to move on.
I also.. want to have a companion by my side.
I also.. eager to be loved.
(Gosh what am I writing.)
Corrected: I also.. want to be concerned.

My friends around me are getting bf or gf or even have opposite sex friends wooing or sending regards everyday or maybe thrice in a week. Not exaggerating.
But me? Not at all. Phone silent all the time unless there's group or class chat.
Ya. Not for personal thing and don't even need to mention about guys texting me.

So I did a thoroughly deep self reflection.
1. I changed. Since that day.
I realised that I'm no longer the girl who always smile genuinely at people from the bottom of my heart.
I just..have high ego since then. I think this is also one of my protective mechanism.
Cause I am scared to be hurt.. I'm scared to being cheated. I'm too afraid to face the world of men.

2. Extrovert -> Introvert
I'm back to those time. Primary school time.
Lack of confidence about my appearance. Ekeep thinking that appearance is everything but I have natural curly hair. Not those beautiful curl hair. Instead is the real frizzy curl hair which is not manageable.
So I care too much about people's opinions and the way they look at me.
I always think that I'm ugly so they don't want me or look down on me.
I know that I'm wrong. The fact is even though you're not perfect looking, they will still be friend with you based on your sincerity and your pure heart.
But maybe, perhaps, it doesn't apply in my current learning situation where most of them judge people seriously by the way you speak and look.

3. Can't really find the third cause for now I can only identified these two major problems. Well. Second one may be my biggest problem. I need to remember to treat people with heart and be kind and have courage. Familiar quote from cinder ell.

Ya. And I pray and pray and pray. Just pray.
Pray to God that I can meet my soul mate one day which arranged by God. Of course I pray the faster the better. But I know that God has his own timing. But I'm still human or gurl after all.  Haha. Too eager. #GirlsProblem

Thanks for allowing me to pour out my grievance.  Thanks a lot and pray more to God.  Keep in faith. Amen.

Emotion

Emotion is something that cannot be controlled and subconsciously.

6th June 2015
I feel sad today as if fall to bottom of the groove. Maybe I'm over exaggerating but something really happened and make me cry over it.

='(
Results for Cardiopulmonary and Exercise Physiology has been released this morning.
Omg C   for both subjects. I am sure I have studied these two subjects but maybe I never comprehend and understand and lack of revision and see what I get. 
Results may be low but this is not the thing that trigger my mood to fluctuate. 

😭😭😭😭
I permed my hair recently and I have phobia about this because it's my first time to try curl and it's not look good on me.

 I tend to be very sensitive about people's comments and how they view me as I have bad memory back then during my primary school. I was often being bullied by classmates and they like to mock at me and gave me those nasty comments and even change my name into ugly Jennis, buck teeth Jennis and lots more. This had ruined me and made me has low self esteem. 

And what makes me cry today is... 
One of my classmate said my hair is like never shower before and just come out. Everyone laughed at me after that. 
He's not referring to bad smell, but the frizzy dry hair I have. My hair very thin and it's clearly seen after bath but it become very thick and light and hair everywhere. It's look like after a boom or fire, and my hair is explosively stuck out. 
I cannot control my emotion even though I really try very hard not to burst out but I JUST CAN'T. I wish someone can protect me by speaking up but I think no one will care about me as I'm just a minor person. 

I wanted to say them but I cannot pull myself up since we're classmates and he's just kidding and I'm a foreigner. 
If I get angry or talk about this issue, they may think that I'm too petty or I'm just a foreigner, I have no right to be angry. 
I dunno... I just don't dare to say anything. I just sob over there and look at my book. 

I can only cry out loud when I reached hostel. I really wish someone can console me and help me is like no one cares about me... I want my bro to help me but he also won't care about me. 

"Mind your words, what comes out from your mouth not deliberately may hurt someone indirectly. "
 It doesn't mean that this person very petty or cannot afford kidding , but this person has feeling too.. 

God, 
Help me,
Guide me,
Lead me.