Alright

I guess… everything will be alright.
They will fall back to their own shape. Where they belong. And I believe that you're so gonna find another target in not much time. Good for ya. Bye.

早晨 ：3

有时候  我真的觉得

<告白气球>

真的很甜蜜😊

歌词中提到..

“你说你有点难追 想让我知难而退
礼物不需要最贵 只要香榭和落叶
亲爱的别任性 拥有你就拥有全世界”

当然，还有其他属于我心有所属的浪漫情歌～
只是我不想说，因为 呵呵 我对自己说过(也对上帝提过) 如果那位是对的人，他会唱/提到那些虏获我心的歌曲😊，他会与我有同感😘 等待吧！至于这告白气球，太多人懂我喜欢！不行～我只要我的那位懂我。

告诉自己 你是值得被爱的，值得被疼爱的，直到被放在掌心，别妥协。

一个真正爱你的人是不会想伤害你的、是不会让你担心 害怕 受伤害.. 他会珍惜你，不让你落泪.
做任何事情会处处想你的感受
并不是在与你创造未来时，还在物色其他伴侣.

何苦呢？
Dont give in into an almost relationship.
Once you do, you're just hurting yourself. Girl, you deserve the best. Avoid convincing yourself that this toxic guy us the one you meant to be with.
No! You're the precious daughter of God! And you definitely deserve the best from Him. 😘

And through this relationship, I realized that I'm actually not ready/ not fit for a relationship. My behavior and my thoughts still don't change over the years. I thought I have, but in fact I couldn't.
I'm still in the extreme slot. Lack of insecurity, doubtful.
I really need to work on my emotional control.
**Sigh*

SIT killing me

Completed undergraduate course, facing a dilemma whereby my life is an unknown for everything. Further study, relationship, career choice. Having a hard time waiting for the admission result from SIT. The struggle is real, never have I ever felt so distress in my past 22.5 years of life. *SIGHS*

Waiting for SIT result is torturing me, all the decisions for my future depends on this bloody result. Most (95% of my friends got offered into it already) but me? The word "Processing" stay constantly in the application status box. Unchanging status, make me mad and anxious. Even 2.72 also got offered, what about me? 3.14!!! Still processing! Perhaps my interview really did badly, perhaps I'm PR not Singaporean, perhaps my tuition grant bond issue... All these came into my thoughts wondering the status thingy.

I pray, constantly pray, waiting for God's commands. My heart really want to get into it, but I still need to obey God's will. His way is higher than me, so as his thoughts. I shall remind myself every single moment, put my utmost faith in God. Worship Him irregardless of the application result!

Lost with No Direction

Like a small boat, wavering on the ocean. Wandering where it will be going. Follow the wave, going into unknown parts of deep sea.

Congratulations! 🎉🎊🎈🎀 Just graduated with Diploma in Physiotherapy! I'm no longer a student physio! Can actually become a full pledge physiotherapist!

However...

In this juncture of my life, I am having a great dilemma. What's the root cause of it? SIT.

Seeing most of my friends have gotten the offer letter, even if their results are slightly worse than me (2.7 also got it; mime 3.14 still pending), I'm not comparing or being jealous, but I'm just worried for myself. This SIT admission thingy really got me into deep water.

Being jobless for almost 2 months, waking up in the morning with no calling, living a zombie life, wasting the times of my life.

I know I have to have faith and believe in God's leading. But sometimes I'm just tired of waiting, seeing the word "processing" make me even hard to face the reality.

Other than that, relationship thingy is another trouble for me.
I hope he doesn't read my blog; and if you do, please respect me.
No official status, we progress too fast, it's on a speed that I hardly feel any romance. Only Lust. A relationship driven by Lust.
I feel so pity, why would I be in this shit. I'm a high standard girl and suddenly broke down into a slut. WTH. I want a clarification, justice.

I am not confident in him. Feeling that he is not ready, actually both not ready, this relationship might shatter any point in time soon.

Just wanna grumble over here, talk about one of the lowest point in my life.

LOST.

FYP Formation + Journey

FINAL YEAR PROJECT (FYP) a one whole year project needs to be done in year 3 before graduating from NYP. It only allowed 4-5 students in a group to work together and came up with final report.

Everyone in my class had started finding their group members. Asking those possible FYP group leaders-to-be and 'chopped' the vacancy immediately. My class had only 3 possible group leaders but their groups are all fully occupied T.T

I was so panicked! It's the most important group project in my entire 3-year life in NYP!

I tried to ask them but no more slots for me. =(

At this point of time, social networking is very important. BUT! I don't really have wide network in this cohort! I everyday stick with my class or rather with my own clique (5 girls with no possible group leader-to-be). An unknown girl in this big cohort, how in the world I can approach those people and join their group? And I heard that those remaining people who doesn't have group will be standing in front of the cohort and let the group leaders to choose whether can join in the group.

HORRIBLE. I dont want to be standing there and waiting for people to choose me! Yet, I totally do not have any outstanding project work or skills (people skill, communication, writing skill and so on) that can persuade other leaders to bring me into their group! =(

I prayed anxiously and constantly. 

"Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

God is assuring me. But I was still panicked and cant stop worrying about this matter. I really do not want to end up in a group of people that dont do work or no contribution.

And then, the one month clinical 2B started. (Meaning that I have less chances to ask around in school.) I was assigned to partner up with a guy from other class, JS. We don’t know about each other, seldom talk as well. So basically we were fighting all the times during our placement >.<|||

FYI, the last day of clinical 2B will be the day to select and form FYP group! But 3 weeks passed, still no results about formation of FYP group. I can only rely on God, praying and asking for direction. Present my request to him and really hope to be able to join a nice FYP group that can glorify him.

Time passed and it’s the second last day of clinical. My partner suddenly talked about this FYP group thingy and he said that he might be selected as FYP group leader but don’t know who to choose to be his group members. I was like *WOAH hahahaha*. But, I am not close to him and since he got so many friends, it will never be my turn to be in his group I guess.

Skip the process part (HAHAH), but he did ask me whether want to join or not. Even though is not like official ask, but still somehow the message was like If you can pull WL into my group then you can come along (=.=||) (Feeling like a complimentary gift comes with WL) But I really can see that God has shown his way for me! The great chance of grouping up with these capable people! I gave consent immediately without further ado.

…2 hours before we gathered in school for FYP groupings, MN texted me and asked whether want to join his group because the members suddenly left his group and he cannot find anyone else to fill up the slots. But I have already agreed to join JS group and willing to take risk (cause it’s still not confirmed that he will be the leader yet), so I said nope!

In the end, he was really chosen to be FYP group leader and our FYP Paeds team was formed!

After going through this incident, I can really see that God has his plan for me. Even though I may not see now, or I may still feel lost in the journey of waiting/seeking, yet he is a faithful God which I cannot use my own understanding to measure him.

Assigned me to partner up with JS and work together in clinical, know more about each other’s style and finally God has shown his way and brought me into his group! 
So do not worry, for God has his plan for you and me, keep in faith. Thank God for this amazing grace!

I shall reiterate this promise:

"Philippians 4:6-7

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."

Once bitten, twice shy

So the story started like this.

Initially we don't know about each other, we are just acquaintance in Church. But we got closer (slightly) after joining Viper challenge 2016.

We even barely talked throughout the challenge. However, on and off, he would text me and ask hows life recently. Yes,i know. It's cliche. It's okay. But things got different on the day of my birthday.

He wished me and he called me. VIDEO CALL. He wanted to play birthday song for me with piano. I was so shocked! It's kind of romantic but more of heartwarming as someone willing to play song for me. Not like no one played before, but after being single for so many years and no suitor. Yea, I kind of touched. But I'm not that deep into it.

I don't know when we started to really become close. But I can only remember one incident is that he called me and we talked for about 2 hours. I don't know why but I just be Frank to him and had a deep conversation with him. I started to open up with him. Telling him my family, my ex, my views and my thoughts. Even my future plan. Which I only want to tell my future partner only. But I just open up to him and told him partially.

We texted almost everyday. He called me once or twice per week. But things get lesser and lesser in the past one week. I sensed something amiss. It's not like I like him or what. But it's just that good to have people concern about you isn't it? So I got used to his presence, his warm texts. Yes, occasionally he still text me but his reply after me was like one or two words. My heart turned cold.

What's more, he rarely text me for the past week. So I got that uneasiness.
Then this afternoon I heard from my roommate, she said that they went out tgt on her birthday night. The girl asked her whether free not at night cause the guy can fetch them and eat dinner yumcha. Then my roommate ask why would she know that he can fetch cause he seldom go out, then she said that they've been texting for few days then the guy asked her out as well. I literally freeze when I heard this. Okay, they agreed with the plan. He wanted to go fetch simyee first bc it's closer to his house. But then he said sorry he want to fetch that girl first cause she also hungry so scared she waited for too long. And they went to eat dinner first without my roommate cause she had her dinner with family already. Fine. But she waited for them like from 8 till 10.30pm. they had a dinner for that long. It was alright. None of my business, it's okay. So they went to watch movie and after that yumcha till 2.30am.

They talked about rumours in Church. One little boy in our church saying that there'll be another couple which will be the guy with either the girl or me. But cannot, he must choose in between the two. Cannot have both, if not the girls will fight. Ridiculous. I wouldn't want to fight with other girl, sorry. I don't want to fight. If he really loves me, why wouldn't he fight for me. Seriously. But what surprised me or hurt me is, his response regarding to this matter.

He said: it's okay, I'm already get used to this kind of rumours~ I am fine with spreading rumours with you or with Jennis. I'm okay come on! Last time during uni, I also don't understand why would I have so many rumours with girls!

Well. I'm truly shocked with his response. It was so irresponsible, so snobbish, so self-centered. I actually have some feelings towards him and i think it's because of his courage to talk to me. I'm moved by his courageous actions to call me. I'm moved by his initiation. But thank God that I prayed, so that I can see his true color and I know that he's not the one. But please don't mess with my heart.
I'd like to say I'm officially done with your shitty romance. Let's just be friend. God, lead us not into temptation but deliver us from the evil ones. Amen. Uoure the faithful God that always protect me from being harmed.

First Emo in 2017

Separating myself from the world for a little while.

Personal space. Personal time.

Cried a little. Tear glands activated. They accumulated in my eyes unknowingly.

Is it because my brother is married now? Is it because I feel lonely after this. Left me, on my own.

A lot of people congratulated me for having such a handsome brother or sisters. Having a family of pretties and handsomes.

But... I got no one to share my happiness. I'm a sensitive person. I am very concerned about feelings. I need someone to be there with me when I want to share my sweetness, bitterness or even jealousy.

Last night, a lot of people complimented me. Saying that I turned to a graceful lady. But, photots don't do justice to this statement. My photos are all so ugly. Why am I not photogenic at all?

Not about this issue. Why do I feel lonely easily these days...?

No answer. Still finding. When I wrote this thing, do I have someone in mind?

Yes. Him. But to be realistically, he doesn't match with me. I not sure. Even though I'm not those superficial kind of girls... Yet, I still have my own requirements.

But those fulfilled my requirements, I personally think that they won't like me. Or more of I don't deserve to be with them. Cause they are so fantastic.

LOVE. Tough. Rough.

I don't understand why I get emo right after the wedding. Too sensible? Because of  the wedding I attended? When will be my turn? Waiting for God's guidance. Not only on my relationship, but also my career as well as academy.

CE 3A: FIRST PERSONAL ENCOUNTER WITH GOD

Third year semester 1.
I finished my exam. It's time to go out to the real world and start internship.
I was attached to KTPH for MS placement. Before that, we've heard of one legacy:

"If you survived ktph, you can survive anywhere."

Isn't that scary? Yes. I was scared by this! But being a student with a fresh memory on spine module and just passed the practical test under Audrey, I'm full of confidence that I can do well in this placement. And thus I'm excited to answer questions and start to see patient. But, maybe I'm too robust. I didn't really do well. I always get the feedback of "bad subjective assessment" not systematic, questions all over the place, missing secondary information and my tone especially.

Twas a tough time. Every time I finished seeing patient I'll get almost the same feedback from sups. If your subjective assessment is a mess, then your objectives and treatment is a waste.
I cried in front of them (so embarassing) after I got my first week eval. It's all failed except for professionalism. I'm doomed. How'd I survive and pass this placement? This is just the first attachment, there's two more ahead. If I failed this then how about the rest?! I panicked and worried every day and night.

I kept on asking God. And I kind of frustrating about it. Why God? Why you put me here? Isn't that you know my ability? Why put me here when I can't even meet their expectation! I was downhearted and depressed. Even though I share this matter with a lot of people and asking for help. But I'm still depressed and everyday thinking of how to improve more and more. But it's all in vain.

Then I joined the navigator camp in September'16. I think I made a good decision in joining this. It taught me a lot about how to encounter God and equip yourself with God's words. (Skip the lessons I learnt in that camp okay? Maybe I'll write another post in details about it). After joining that camp, I want to experience God and let go of everything. Rest in him. He's the faithful God who we can trust.

Trust in lord with your heart and not your eyyez and eclverything will be prepared for you.

Rest in him. All those who are weary can come to me for my yolk is enough for you.

I want to claim the promise! I want to rest in you and let go of things! Even though I pray about my placement and all the stuffs, but I still clinging onto it. I still handle by myself with my own wisdom and strength. I do not rely on God completely 100%. I do not. So I want to change. I pray to God and say
You're the faithful God. You're the God that can make the blind to see, make the deaf can hear and make the water turns into wine. Since I'm in health care setting and need to help patient to find their source of problems, Lord I need you. I need your healing power to help me in seeing patient. I prayed everything before I see the patient, pray for the wisdom.

But it's just unexplainable.
I just do the same routine, conducting interview, reporting results, do objective assessment and come out with diagnosis followed by treatment plan. I did the stuffs like I normally do. But just somehow, I found favor in supervisors eyes. They gave me the feedback that you've improved tremendously since week 1. At the moment, I'm just grateful to God and really don't know what happen. I've really done my own parts, doing the same thing everyday.

Hallelujah, Glories belong to God, He shows me his faithfulness and his miracle on me. He helps me to go through the tough moment. I finally came to understand every challenge God gave you is according to your limit, he won't abandon you. (1Cor 10:13 No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.)

Turn to God, not lean on your own understanding. A note for myself.

CE 3B: Thrilling Placement

Lord, you really know me. Know my needs. Know my weakness and want to work on me to shape me to be in your image. Amen.
All things happen according to your plan.

So here starts the second attachment. This time: SGH.

Happily going to Cardiopulmonary (CP) attachment. this is the field that I aimed to be during my year 2. Maybe I watch too many doctors drama especially ER. Imagine I myself is the staff at er and able to think and act calmly under stressful situation. So I was quite interested in joining that field as it's thrilling and seeing patient in critical condition. Yeah. CP! ICU!

First day, quite chill. Discussed about the contraindication, precautions and investigation stuffs. I noted down and didn't revise it. 😣😣 straight to the point.

I actually experience God's grace again in this attachment. Truly surely very grateful to God. I breached safety barriers multiple times. But thank God. I learned from every mistake and don't repeat it.

-On the first week, I took the BP for my patient. Initially it was 88/50 then I took the second and it still around the same range. Then I thought it's fine since I was just gonna do bed exercise. No big deal. But then with the intervention going on, my patient changed position and I never take any BP thereafter. I walked him to toilet and came back and sat him down on the chair as he expressed he wanted to. Then he sat down and lowered his head. Me and my partner thought that he's just resting. At that point of time, my sup came into the room. Saw that patient lowered his head, she knelt down and patted on him saying "uncle, uncle" but yet no response received. She saw his face turned pale and unrolling of eyes followed by some minimal jerky movement of his hands. She quickly called on the nurses and everyone rushed in. The next moment, HE SEIZURE. Then the staffs were trying hard to transfer him from the chair to the bed. Because it's very dangerous in the chair, what if he fell down on the floor? Me and my partner were just watching by side. STUNT. NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING ON. The doctors asked what's the BP before during and after. But I can't answer any of them cause I never take the BP again.
My sup asked me out and said "I'm very unsatisfied with your patient's safety today. " not checking BP again after knowing that BP is very low initially and he's on fit chart but yet you dint check it after every positional changes. I'm scared. I totally blank. I thought it won't happen in my therapy service. But it happened.

- Second incident: I was reading case note in ICA  (Intermediate care area) and it's about 1-month long and I fall asleep... then my sup asked me have you checked her blood test. I checked immediately and reported HB 5.5 previously 7.2. She asked me whether can see the patients or not. That time I was half-asleep and I said: YES. CAN STILL SEE. I literally can see her eyes rolling into white and she asked what's the cut off point for hb level? I can't answer. She said we discussed it on the first day already! I checked my little book and found 8.0! (Exclamation there to signify the importance but yet I dint revise it.)
She asked will you go and see the patient if I dint tell you about the cut-off point. I said yes. 😢😢😢
She totally has the very bad image on me regarding my safety performance.

- Third, which happened in the fourth week. You know how serious it is? Lecturer told me that every mistake u made before week 3 is uncounted but the actual evaluation will start from week 4 and 5. But, I saw the wrong patient! It's actually room 10 bed 1, but I saw the patient in room 9 bed 1! Both surnames are tan! I read the cade note saying admitted due to hypertension, premorbid independent ADL without aids. So I see my patient with my partner, my supervisor wasn't with us cause it's already week 4. (It took quite long cause she wad changung diapers) First thing when we saw my patient, we were like OMG SUCH A BIG SIZE WOMAN. It's okay, just continue with asking questions. When I ask the patient, she say she has been wheelchair bound for 8 years! Never walk before! I was like argh? Case note write independent ADL and able to walk ah! I thought of it and assumed maybe case note is worn info, so I chose to believe patient. Then I proceed to conduct objective assessment. I did all the bed assessment but before I moving on to my walking assessment which she already sit out of bed, she said she got the feeling of wanting to pass motion. Fine, I let her sit and do her business first. Then my partner went and ask for more informations from her daughter which sit inside the room as well. Then the patient just lie back down on bed first to do her business. While I was checking in her, her family by side talking to her, one physio came and asked us whether have we seen 10/1, my partner say NO, WE SEEING THIS.
Physio: oh good, so u see 9/, then I go and see 10/1.  I was like WHAT? WAIT. THIS IS 10/1, WE ARE SEEING HER. but he just say thanks I will go and see 10/1.
I paused. Took a step back. I took out my phone and checked. Correct ah! My patient is 10/1! Then I walked out the room and see room number.

HOLY GOSH! IT'S ROOM 9!

Bead-sized sweats kept dropping on my forehead. I went in and told my partner, 完蛋了 完蛋了 wrong patient! Faster leave! I don't know what's her condition! Since she's in the bed just leave now!

My partner was like Jennis! Calm down! You need to at least took the BP of the patient before leaving and talked to the family! I cannot process, one thing in my mind is: LEAVE NOW. I just don't care and went outside. Then the physio knew and was laughing bitterly. He told my sup and I proceed to see my actual patient.

Even when you read/heard this, you may find it ridiculous and unforgivable. You may fail me for my safety. BUT MY GOD HELP ME, GAVE ME MIRACLE. you may say this kind of help is not good cause may harm the patients, but I ponder, God may want me to learn things from all the incidents. He want me to be alert and rmb all the mistakes and not to repeat it in future. Thank you Lord for your greatness and wonderful arrangement.

Last In-service

Isaiah 55:8-9
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.

My proclamation upon this verse:
Indeed, we human cannot use our own logical thinking to understand His way, his plan. A lot of times when we are lost or encounter difficulties, we always ask God and question him for his plan. Thinking that maybe he left us or forget about our presence. Blaming him for the bumpy road that we are experiencing.
But it's all planned by him. He knows our limits, he won't give us the temptation that we cannot bear.

Similarly, I kept asking God why he put me under this supervisor who kept pressing on us to finish our ppt slides by third week which supposingly be presenting on fifth week. Why so rush? (I'm one of the procrastinator fyi). But I still obey to God and do my slides despite of my grunting and questioning. At last, I finished it with lots of uncertainties. But I'm still complaining for all these early stresses.

Until the past Saturday (10/12/16), I finally came to understand His plan for me. His great plan for me that I'd never ever thought of. My father was hospitalised for some reasons and we all family members are busy taking care of him, worrying about his health conditions. (Another fyi, the following week is the fifth week which would be the week for presentation) so if it was the 'old' me, I'd have just rush it over that weekend, probably staying in Singapore and do the slides.

However, God allow me to go back jb in peace as I have finished my slides earlier and just nice I'm able to help my father when he's suffering and send him to hospital.

How amazing it is! I finally understand why God put me under this supervisor and finish my slides so early (compared to the rest). If I didn't do my slides earlier, I'd have missed the chance of going back and send my father to hospital in time.

For God is so good that he has his perfect timing for us.